New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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