It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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