the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
