After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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