if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
