There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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