When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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