I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
she smelled like a LAN party
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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