i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
