youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
