the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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