if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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