thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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