she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You took a bar mat shot.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize