dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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