If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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