The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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