Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
