somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
