strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
