I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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