Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
