It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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