where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
