That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
you didnt know i had herpes?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
