Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
