He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
