no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
