they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
