Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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