Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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