A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
