I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Randomize
