i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
