i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
