You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Four minutes until I can fart!
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
