it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
