i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She bit a glass in half.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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