I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
