Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
