4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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