Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
