Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
