Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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