I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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