I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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