Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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