If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
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