So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
