When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I need moral support for this bender
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
