For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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