So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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