I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
