you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
