god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I can't turn off my feet"
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
