I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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