I wish I could punch you in the face.
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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